Seven Castles

Being Less Defensive

                                      

June 26, 2008

 

Being overly defensive can harm you rather than help you. When attacked or criticized, if you repackage your blunders so you will not look so bad; if you blame circumstances, luck or others when things do not work out; if you position the "facts" to create a positive impression; if you create excuses for not having done something; if you argue back forcefully; if you feel hurt and withdraw; and if you get angry and vow to get even; then you should consider being less defensive.

 

Listening is not a trivial skill. In any situation, it pays to listen. Sometimes people are so quick to assume that the other person has got them all wrong and they need to correct them immediately. This often leads to emotional reactions, interrupting the other person, and not fully understanding what they are getting at. In essence, a perfectly harmless comment, or a healthy dose of constructive criticism can go unheard or misunderstood. If you cut off the person speaking in order to make your point, how do you know if you point is really relevant? Another reason why being overly defensive is harmful is because you are missing an opportunity to improve upon yourself.

 

If you can keep quiet long enough for someone else to offer their opinion, you will be more approachable. People will be more comfortable talking to you, not just about you, but also about other things. The problem that occurs when you are extremely defensive is that people quickly learn that you are narrow-minded and are not willing to listen to what they have to say. You might not consider yourself to be narrow-minded on issues that do not relate directly to you, but people will get that impression anyway.

 

You can also improve yourself through being less defensive because you will finally hear other perspectives. Believe it or not, other people have good ideas. Not everyone who suggests a change to you is out to get you or put you down. As a matter of fact, the majority of the time, the person offering the advice cares about you, and wants to help you improve. As you let your guard down, just a little, you will find that some of the things people say are right, and you have things to work on. Being aware of what needs changing is the first step to becoming a better you.

 

This does not mean that you should let anyone and everyone say whatever they want to say about you. That is extreme passivity, and essentially the opposite problem. It is still impolite to cut people off, but if someone is making derogatory or slanderous comments about you, there is no reason to sit there and take it.

 

When it comes to things being said behind your back, if it is a supposed friend, you should discuss it privately with them. If an enemy is doing it, let your reputation speak for itself. If bunches of people that do not know you approach you about it, just be honest and do not get emotional. If you keep your composure and calmly speak the truth, they can take it or leave it. In the end, what they think does not really matter.

 

If you sense that the words being spoken to you or about you are ill intentioned, keep your guard up. When someone that cares about you is offering advice, or even criticism, it is for your own good to shut up and listen. In the end, you will become a better you.

【作者: zhangliping】【访问统计:】【2008年06月26日 星期四 05:25】【注册】【打印】